manifest...oh!

i’ve been thinking about this idea of ‘be in love with everyone’ pretty much nonstop, and i think its really the best.

i thought i might have just lost it, but the more people i talk to, it seems like everyone wants to be on board. maybe i’ve found it

i was talking to renee about all this and it all became so confusing and clear at once.

shit.
i realize i’m about to try to explain something complicated in an organized fashion.
here we go.

ok. if you ask any individual, for the most part, “do you value being kind?” or “do you wish the world were a kinder place?/wish people were kinder to you?”  im pretty sure everyone would say yes.
so why do we, as a collective of those individuals, fail to have a society that embodies those values?

next-> i’m going to make some generalizations based on feelings ive had in the past, that have been shared by everyone ive ever spoken with about them.
    i think a lot of people are walking around thinking they are the only self-conscious, insecure, where-was-i-when-they-handed-out-the-instruction-manual-for-life?, what-the-hell-is-going-on people out there.
i used to.
then everyone was like, oh man, me too. its everybody.
im pretty sure its common to judge ourselves by how we feel on the inside in comparison to how others look like they might feel from the outside.
thats apples and oranges man.
thats why it seems like everyone really has their shit together. you seem like that to them too. nobody, for the most part, i think, realizes that we’re all doing this.

its like, what do you do when you have no idea whats going on? look around. see what everyone else is doing. try to act like that.

but its so silly when everyone is doing that and no one knows.

SO-> we all want the kind, loving place. but we need to blend in. so we do the things that are ‘socially acceptable’, many of which totally suck. and we repress our loving selves because, shit, we might get judged. then everyone would know we werent right at all, just like we were afraid of.

i think people are suffering needlessly, and are boiling from the inside wanting this love, but its like a buffet... nobody wants to be the first asshole piling up their plate alone while everyone watches them. but as soon as the first one goes...another...then the flood. because we were all so hungry and waiting.

so let me be the asshole up there alone if i have to be. i’m pretty sure i’ll be in great company pretty soon...

aftermath

something important to know about me is that i don't believe in coincidences. i'm pretty sure that the universe is in balance, and everything that happens is what's supposed to be happening. once words like "god" and "spirituality" start getting thrown around, it fucks everyone up with all kinds of preconceived ideas, so i dont like to use them. all i know is that i'm pretty sure that there's a lot going on around us all the time that we have little to no perception of.

in any event, if you know me, know that i filter all my experience through that belief. no accidents, no coincidences.

so of course there could never have been a chance that i'd have come back to school at any other time, met any other people, etc.

y'know, its so easy to believe like i do when i meet people as amazing as the ones i'm so goddam lucky to have met these past few months. its next-level shit...

i'm pretty sure none of them know it, but i think a lot of these people are some of the most talented, smart, wonderful, brilliant, beautiful folks i've ever come across...i hope they know how fucking good they are. at art and at life.

its not really common to tell friends and acquaintances, "i think you're wonderful in every way, and i'm totally in love with you."

so what am i supposed to do when i feel that way about everyone i know? 

there are a ton of ways to show it, but i feel like most of them send the message, "im here for you, i like you, lets be friends" which is totally all true also, but it doesnt scratch the surface. 

its even worse when it happens with strangers. nobody wants to hear that shit from someone they dont know. i'm not even confident that i could say that stuff to people i'm kind of close to without freaking them out.

i wish it was ok (read:socially acceptable/ the norm) to love more openly. kind of fucked up that its not, right?

like, its acceptable to pretend you cant see or hear some people when they ask for a dollar. its acceptable to treat cashiers/servers/workers like machines that get things for you instead of people.

but its "weird" to tell a stranger they seem wonderful and you love them.....i cant comprehend it, and it makes me sad. it seems so backward, but i think it makes pretty clear the reason "things are totally fucked up" which is the tune i've been hearing people sing for most of my life.

so wow, maybe this went all over the place, but it all ends at the same point which is:  

um, hey everybody, whether i know you or not, can we just go out and love everyone? i'm really going to try even harder, and i think with some help we can save the world together a lot more simply than we realize. even if not, it certainly wont make anything worse.

i guess i'm saying please help me.

because i love you

why i want to be an artist

1. it gives me a socially acceptable(more or less) venue for all the weird shit i want to do
2. doing it right is SO challenging
3. no one else is making what i want to see
4. making art gives me the feeling that things make sense... there's no other time i learn more
5. the entire concept of my having the ability to create something blows my damn mind
6. maybe something i create makes one person for one second think "that's beautiful"
7. sometimes I get to be that person
8. it helps me better understand what i believe in, and say the things i have no words for

the other day

oh hey, the other day i saw this quote that said, "happiness is known progress toward known goals." cant remember who said it. doesnt really seem important at the moment either. like it though
word.

gotta start somewhere

I've never written a blog before, or kept a diary of any kind, so its new and weird to write my thoughts down in general, let alone for other people to read. I mean, probably no one looks at this stuff other than the sage staff anyhow. I guess the way I'm going to do this is stream of consciousness style, without worrying about grammar and whatnot. I think it will be more genuine and therefore more meaningful, at least to me, if i can just pour out my internal monologue without editing or censoring. I guess I'll try not to curse as much just to be on the safe side of offensive.

Soooo.....
 I think i'm supposed to be talking about my artwork in at least some loosely based way instead of writing rambling disclaimers....

Right. And how is all that going? I don't know to be honest. I mean, in some ways, a lot of ways really, its going well. I have this ridiculous idea about thumbs, and i love it, and for the most part, my job is to play around and indulge it. So that's pretty awesome. Also, it seems to be developing and progressing both conceptually and production-wise.

Y'know so sometimes i'm feeling really good about it all, and then i have those times where i think about how long i've been out of school and just focusing on work and paying bills and life. And i think about how removed my mind has been from all this, especially in comparison to when i was immersed in it all semester after semester. So then the doubts start to set in. Thats when i'm thinking, "dude, do you really have any idea what the hell you're doing?" Y'know, it occurs to me just now, that i don't even know what i mean by that...Like, do i know what i'm doing with this concept? or in respect to art in general? or like, at all?

I think those moments come for most people, and that's cool. I mean, i think its fine that i feel that way sometimes, but i dont get caught up in that kind of thinking for too long. theres no point to it. the bottom line is how much fun i'm having with the opportunity to explore this idea and whatever else, and i love it and i'm happy so its all valuable, positive, and worthwhile even if my best work objectively sucks(which i hope it doesnt though). its insane. it really took leaving this place to realize how valuable what goes on here is, and holy shit did i miss it. its amazing to come back (even though its unbelievably weird in so many ways)

well, i feel like i've written some things. no. thats not what i mean.
what i mean is this seems complete, and i feel done even though i'm not sure if its too long or too short or if that even applies here. and i also kinda dont really know what i wrote, cause at some point early on i zoned out a bit and just let it all go. i'm not gonna go back and read it until after i post it either so im not tempted to judge and edit and let my mind fuck with me. so thats all good i guess.
haha, how does this end? Love, Josh? ha. thats what felt instinctual. why not
Love,
       Josh